The mystery of the kick

When it comes to reviewing the amount of money and time spent on BBC broadcasting, I wonder whether anyone has ever calculated how much time is wasted on commentators discussing kicks and how they happen. I reckon that at least 2 hours is spent on the topic every year on the BBC - that's enough time to broadcast a film or a new sitcom. Quite how these muppets continue to talk about it I've no idea.

The agony of anchoring the snooker

I love the fact that Hazel Irvine does the snooker. She must have been gutted when they told her she'd have to put the miles in at the Crucible before they let her have the World Cup or the Masters Golf (or indeed anything except the snooker). Now she has to keep talking about how John Parrott uses a bigger tip (cue sniggering at 'John's big tip' and the 'excellent control he gets with it' compared with 'someone who is used to a smaller end' - I could go on). Ray Stubbs did it once, but he let us down badly. There was a break in play because of a fire alarm, and Ray had to fill half an hour talking snooker drivel (1985 and all that, Cliff Thorburn's 147, Rocket Ronnie's temperament). He looked like he was going to sh*t himself. Hazel would never let us down like that.

Most snooker commentators are idiots

Dear oh dear, snooker commentators. Virgo is my least favourite. He wasn't even a very good player! He often gets annoyed with the players when they try something interesting, and rants on about how they should have chosen a different shot. Sod that! Rock out the banana shots. He also has the most annoying catchphrases, such as 'where's the white going?'.

No-one can top Whispering Ted. His whispered 'no' when Steve Davis misses the black in his epic versus Dennis Taylor is one of the best pieces of commentary ever. He makes it sound so awesome.

I am a fan of Dennis Taylor because of his blatant double entendres. One thing you don't realise is that they cut a lot of it out on the highlights. When you go live you can get a little radio ear thing and listen to the commentary, good for staying awake if you get McManus - McCulloch (of which more later). When we went to the Masters, Dennis said 'Well John, what a magnificent semi.' Cue widespread sniggering amongst the crowd. Then he started going on about how Steven Lee had a lovely touch amongst the balls, and how his action was a bit long and swingy. Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, he started talking about how he preferred a long and swingy one over a shorter one. Dirty Dennis.

I can't be doing with Parrott. I think this is a by-product of when he was a player in his later years making all those witty quips when walking around the table. Witty quips are acceptable on the sofa next to Hazel, but he jumped the gun.

Why I love snooker

Let's start at the beginning. I was raised on snooker. We had a Pot Black table early of course. My dad (who from now on will be known as the Grand Master - for that is his real snooker identity) loved snooker so much he built his own table in the garage. It was pretty good for a while. Then it got a bit damp and sagged in the middle. So he built an extension on our house just for the snooker table. Effort son! So snooker has pretty much been a staple of the family ever since I was born. We've even had family trips out to watch the Masters at Wembley (the whole family) and the World Championship (me, my brother and my dad). I've got to say though, it's better on the telly. It's pretty cool going, but it's also pretty dull if you get stuck with a sh*t match. At the World Championships we had to sit through Ian McCulloch vs Alan McManus. Yawn tastic, and it went all the way.

I suppose we were pretty lucky to have been kids during the 'golden age'. Jimmy White was my hero. Part of me still thinks he can win it. Alright, perhaps not now he can't even get past the qualifiers, but five years ago I still thought he could. The finals against Hendry and Davis are etched into my consciousness. They are some of the greatest sport I have ever witnessed. Snooker is about a tenth as good as it seemed then, but I still take great amusement and pleasure in watching it, mainly on the BBC. I find the coverage hilarious - snooker is only really interesting about a quarter of the time, the rest of the time it's f*cking dull, but I love the things that the commentators come up with to fill the 100+ hours that the BBC dedicates to the World Championship, Masters and UK Championship.