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I'm not quite sure how this happened, but my whole family went to see this one. I was late in to the first match, which was a shame because it went to the wire. Selby versus Doherty. Good game. Selby has got the best nickname, and makes funny faces and the occasional joke around the table. Good jokes though, not like Parrott and his witty quips which are more like something that Jimmy Tarbuck would come up with. The Jester from Leicester can regularly be seen having a good chuckle with referee Jan Verhaas, although obviously he wouldn't want to be making Michaela laugh because he might be worried that all of the bigger boys in the commentary box would laugh at him and say that he fancies her.
I made it into the last frame to see The Jester defeat Kenneth. Great atmosphere. The security at Wembley Arena made a late play to stop me entering the room, but as we had somehow got tickets that were as far as possible in the right hand corner of the arena I probably could have got away with wearing a traffic cone on my head. Tense stuff which Selby won 6-5. As well as being a significantly better witty quipster than anyone else, watching Selby live is fun because he stalks around in such a weird way, a bit like those old videos you see of Alex Higgins.
We had the most entertainment out of those ear pieces. Obviously at about a tenner each they are the biggest rip-off in the entire world, but it is worth it to hear some of the total shite that the commentators come out with. The PUNishment being handed out by Virgo was next level, and was generating some serious guffawing in the Stephen Lee match that we watched second. Virgo and Dennis were talking about Stephen Lee's 'long swingy action' and how he had a 'lovely touch amongst the balls'. When Virgo started saying how he 'preferred a long swingy one to a short sharp one' it all got too much. Surely they didn't broadcast that?
Other points of note include a protracted discussion about the merits of peppermint tea, which Dennis Taylor has (apparently) started experimenting with (his usual dose of heroin before a match was playing havoc with his concentration). As many snooker commentary discussions do, this seemingly harmless avenue of chat ended in a supreme piece of racial stereotyping which would make any liberal Guardian-reading snooker lover blush. During the tea conversation, Virgo or Dennis noted that Marco Fu was also drinking tea. 'What type do you think it is?' asked Dennis. 'Probably Jasmine tea' said Virgo. Of course! Fu being from Hong Kong, what else would he be drinking? I would have laughed if it was actually Yorkshire tea or Twinings breakfast.
Stephen Lee wins easily, his long swingy action too much for the Jasmine tea-drinking Fu, who to be fair looks pretty bored throughout the whole thing. Watching this match was pretty dire I must say, but definitely worth it to see the whole family out chuckling in unison at the nonsense coming through the earpiece and yawning together at another protracted safety exchange.
It is often spoken as fact by the oracles of snooker (Virgo and Dennis) that snooker is the perfect television sport. I'm never quite sure why this is, but my main understanding of it is that the table fits very well indeed on the screen. When you compare it with other sports, you can see what I mean:
I suppose one could put forward the argument that a tennis court fits on the screen if viewed from far enough away, but one player looks mighty small compared with the other, and they do hit the ball very fast making it difficult to see in the sun.
Formula One is the official worst performer on this basis.
Snooker is one of the least physical sports ever. Of that there is no doubt. I can think of only darts and chess, that are less physical and like snooker they falll more into the 'games' category than sports. Team Snooker GB would have a mighty fine chance of winning mucho medals at the Olympics, but I get the feeling that the Olympic Committee may find its introduction a bit of a pisstake. It would be funny if they were made to where lycra though.One thing that is jolly interesting about snooker is the way in which it highlights the psychological aspect of sport. In football, a player is often said to reach his peak around the age of 28 to 30 - when he has enough physical fitness to compete, but also enough experience, guile and drive for an all-round game. Snooker removes the physical aspect (mostly, although I think Stephen Lee probably can't reach as many shots as other players) and focusses on the psychological. What you get is a psychological dividing line between young and old. Beyond the age of 35, players seem to seize up, looking like they have seen this shot before and remembering the frames they have lost by playing more aggressively. Under 25, regardless of talent, when it comes to grinding one out they will play shots that are too petulant or risky and often end up losing frames. Stephen Hendry, that ruthless Jimmy Defeater, is going through his fall into old age risk avoidance now, and is losing his once iron ability. Brilliant. Steve Davis is a shadow of his former World Champion grinder self and has turned his snooker persona into a jolly old battler who does it for the love.. But its only their minds that have changed.Ronnie O Sullivan, being a player with a diagnosed mental illness is a fascinating example. On a 'good day' he is unstoppable, believing that he can achieve anything and striving for an unattainable perfection. But when he is down he can barely bring himself to pick up the cue, or will play irrationally or without concentration. The reaction of the snooker media to this is farcical, and the tone of voice in which they criticise some of his behaviour is that of a confused onlooker that doesn't understand mental illness and mistakes it for petulance. I'm sometimes amazed that Ronnie has actually won the World Championship. Sure, he has the talent, but he also seems to go through the 'cycle' in nearly every tournament, often emerging from a bad patch in time for a crucial match. It's a credit to him that he has overcome the disability (however temporarily) to achieve the highest accolade in his sport.
Incidentally, Tony Drago seems to have been largely unaffected and is probably more reckless than he was as a younger player.
What a delight there is to be had from this simple, childish act. Especially when your opponent is wearing white or some other similarly stainable colour. I have seen many variations, involving secret chalking, blatant chalking, and a recent discovery (which I think may have been invented in the North) called chalky finger, involving using someone's finger as if it were a cue and giving it a thoroughly good chalking indeed. Not quite sure how I fell for that one but I did. I also then accidentally chalked my clothing, giving me a double chalking.
Chalking the other player should clearly be introduced into the World Championships as an acceptable psychological tactic, especially against Stephen Hendry, who is asking for a chalking.
The first round of the World Championship has been drawn, and there are some jolly interesting matches. Here are my top five:
- 1. Ding Junhui (Chn, 11) v Liang WenProperBo (Chn, 40)
- 2. Ronnie O'Sullivan (Eng, 1) v Stuart Bingham (Eng, 21)
- 3. Stephen Maguire (Sco, 2) v Jamie Burnett (Sco, 45) - there was some sort of match-fixing scandal involving a game between these two. I'll be having a flutter (once I'm off the phone to them both).
- 4. Neil Robertson (Aus, 10) v Steve Davis (Eng, 29) - This should be a cracker, I wonder if Steve can make Neil Robertson go totally mental by playing every other shot as a safety.
- 5. Stephen Hendreary (Sco, 6) v Mark Williams (Wal, 22) - Hopefully one will get knocked out and the other will retire injured.
And the ones I probably won't be watching:
- 14 = Peter Snebdon (Eng, 9) v Nigel Bond (Eng, 23) - Bore factor: 10/10. Bond is the accountant of snooker.
- 14 = The Dott (Sco, 13) v Barry Hawkins (Eng, 27) - Massive snorefest. The Dott is amongst the dullest.
With any luck Hendreary will get knocked out in the first round by Mark Williams, who will get knocked out in the second. Mark did have quite a reputation as an exciting player due to his love of a long pot or two, but I can't say I've been thrilled by any of his recent matches. Proper Bo will hopefully knock out Ding. In fact hopefully Proper Bo and Ronnie O Sullivan will be in the final together. Let's hope he doesn't end up crying like Ding did that time, that was all a little bit embarrassing.
As ever I will be rooting for Steve Davis without really knowing why. He is a very charming man indeed and I take an almost perverse pleasure in watching him grind out a beauty against some poor young player who only wants a decent game at the Crucible. Without doubt one of Steve's matches will finish at around 2:30am. Thank god Dave Harold failed to make it, the idea of the two of them playing in the same match would be too much. I'm not sure Steve will make it past Neil Robertson though, he is a mighty good player (especially for an Australian). Neil also has the best website of any snooker player, I've just noticed.
The draw is wide open based on these matches though. With many of the big names underperforming, this could be a World Championship with a pretty random winner, especially if O Sullivan doesn't turn up.
The BBC's beloved Parrott is not in the World Championships. This is good news as far as I'm concerned. I cannot bear his excruciating 'comedy' comments when playing, and he is much better sitting on the couch next to Hazel or Ray. Although it was a long time ago and he only committed the offence once, he is responsible for being a Jimmy defeater (tm) so I have never warmed to him.
This happened in an important match late in Jimmy's career, probably in the Masters as I'm sure I would have remembered the feeling of hysteria had it been in the World Championship. Young James is playing well but has adopted a slower more considered style on the advice of a sports psychologist who frankly is fighting an uphill battle. More on the psychology of snooker soon.
This sparkling run of form is given a special dusting of magic in the shape of a 143 break, which is the highest in the tournament (the traditional Willie baiting 147 has thus far not occured, miraculously). Jimmy's slower style and the feeling that the crowd are desperate for him to show some of his previous form have created an odd atmosphere that falls somewhere between extreme tension and hysterical celebration. The pinnacle of the frame is an astonishing shot on the blue when it appears that Jimmy has completely shafted himself through poor positional play (sound familiar?). Old Jim has always been the best with the rest (as Virgo always reminds us whenever he picks it up) and shows us why this reputation has been earned by not only spanking in the blue, but getting perfect position on the tricky pink. Here is my memory of it:
We like to point out when one player or another has had to adopt a 'difficult stance'. In our games, this is due to a chair, old toy or table full of beer cans affecting a players natural position. Completing a difficult pot when accompanied by a difficult stance is one of the games great skills, and is I feel sadly lacking in the professional game. With only referee Jan Verhaas, the other player and the BBC cameras representing obstacles there is barely even a chance of tripping over, let alone having to adopt an unusual pose. Difficult stance is most entertaining in the following scenarios:Perhaps difficult stance should be added to my list of things that could help save snooker and add a new sense of randomness and grass roots reality.
Me and the Boy have a special type of snooker slang. I find that this kind of affected language only really happens after several hours of playing the same game in a darkened room. It is a special type of mental illness which slowly creeps up on you. It involves the following:Additional rhyming slang needs to be created for the extension, the swan neck, the extended spider (although the extended Steve Ryder is acceptable) and the chalk.
It seems not, sadly.My Englishman's craving for disappointment is ill served by such an untelevised, unhyped exit. Coping without even a sniff of a BBC montage of the glory days will be hard.Come on Jimmy!:-(
This news is making me jolly excited. Even a first round appearance by young James would make my sporting year. I will be looking forward to many excited shouts of 'Come On Jimmy!', even when he isn't playing. I love it when people shout 'come on Jimmy!' in matches that he is not playing in, it is pure juvenile comedy.
It just goes to show how little the people watching snooker enjoy watching unentertaining players who are not Jimmy White, Ronnie O Sullivan or Tony Drago and always makes me laugh. It usually follows this sequence:
- Someone shouts 'Come On [one of the players]!'
- Someone else shouts 'Come on [the other player]!'
- This goes on for around ten seconds
- Someone shouts 'Come On Jimmy!'
- Everyone laughs
- Referee Jan Verhaas tells off the offending person
- This is roundly agreed with and a round of applause is issued
- One of the commentators makes a remark that this kind of behaviour spoils it for everyone
I thoroughly encourage this sort of amusing behaviour and will be keeping a close eye on it during the World Championships.
Gutted - you're the wrong side of the blue! What are you going to do now you fool? There's only one thing for it? What is it? That's right, you'll have to go in AND OUT of baulk, near the crappy little colours which you might hit. Gutted. Then again, you might be a professional snooker player in which case you will probably be fine.Don't get the wrong side of the blue again though you idiot.
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