Unreasonably high expectations of the casual snooker player

On a recent visit to Center Parcs I was astonished to see that the text supporting booking of the Center Parcs snooker tables suggested that one should 'come and have a go, who knows, you may even get a 147!'.

I noted that the other sports descriptions did not for instance say 'come and have a go at tennis, who knows, you may serve at over 140mph', or 'why not try running, who knows, you could cover 100 metres in under 9.7 seconds!'.

Now for me, getting a 147 is a bit like the old monkeys and typewriters scenario. The actual chances of hitting the balls in a way that could score a maximum are so slim that I could try fifty times a day for the rest of my life and I don't think it would happen, especially not on a full size table. I probably couldn't even do it in that time if I was allowed to move the white with my hand.

Which makes me wonder, who are these people visiting Center Parcs and occasionally knocking in a maximum in the Country Club whilst keeping one eye on their bike lock outside? I always thought snooker was more of a Butlins crowd.

Top drawer at the Masters

What a superb Masters tournament this year. Some truly engrossing matches, and a great atmosphere at Wembley. To celebrate the BBC's new catchphrase 'top drawer', here are some things that have been right out of the top drawer in the Masters:

1. Intro music! Loving this addition, just what's needed. It's about time the players got bigged up on the way in. I loved Mark King's dancing to his, so much better than the po-faced walk down the stairs. Also loved Ronnie O Sullivan's idea of playing it when someone has won the frame, what a brilliant idea - imagine finishing off a century to the sound of Eye of the Tiger.

2. The Rocket in some classic matches! Vs the Thunder from Down Under, Snebdon the Clown and then Mark Selby in the final. All three superb matches. Not too high on the flounce-o-meter this time either.

3. John Higgins out nice and early! Heh heh, not too much of honest John to sit through thank goodness. A good job really as this is supposed to be a return to entertaining snooker rather than exemplary professionalism (yawn).

4. The Jester pretends to beat up Ding the Robot! Possibly the most awkward sporting moment in history, as the intro music spurs Mark Selby on to pretend box Ding, who looks frightened and offers him his hand. Ding then goes on to lose 6-1, perhaps a tactic for any player who aspires to beat him.

5. Jimmy on TV again! Actually this one was closer to the bottom drawer really. Probably more like one of the legs of the cabinet of drawers if truth be told.

Steve Davis on Twitter

Say what you like about Twitter, for some people it is the perfect medium. Steve Davis is one of them. The 160 character medium plays to his strengths in witty quips and denies him the space to sound interested about someone having re-tipped their cue. He also liberally rips it out of snooker players, which is of course what they are there for. He has even discussed various pieces of snooker slang - right up my street!

Check out some of his recent efforts:

"Jimmy can win this tonight! He ate better looking things than mark in the jungle!"

"Can't wait fir the Murphy Hendry match! What will stephens walk on music be? The smiths - heaven knows ....?"

"Why is it they never seem to put Marco Fu and Mark King in the same half of the draw? What are they frightened of?"

"Is Snooker a sport? Who cares! But it'll be on TV all next week! :) Why? Because we have under table heating. Other sports take note."

John higgins "can you turn that spot light off?" Dave coleshill (lighting director) "why? Don't you want to be on the tele"?

More on http://twitter.com/SteveSnooker

Jimmy White plays actual snooker on TV!

Well Whitewatchers, you can imagine my delight at hearing actual people shouting 'Come on Jimmy!' in a major snooker tournament and it being in reference to Jimmy playing.

Young James has decided not to put any pressure on himself by talking to all of the national papers, inviting all of his celebrity mates to watch and insisting that he can reclaim a position in the top 32 every time someone speaks to him. To be fair, he has qualified fairly and squarely for his wild card position. Some nasty people on the internet seem to think that spending three weeks in the company of a bunch of z list tossers, eating grubs and being made to wear a very tight red catsuit is not test enough.

All I can say is that I hope Jim's celebrity mates know what to expect from watching a snooker match involving two has-beens. We're three frames in and already Jimmy has missed some shots that even I could get in without the help of any beer. I expect Kim and Gino have already got a least a numb buttock each. When they both go numb they'll be wishing they'd gone to Jordan's for tea.

The first three shots were vintage White though, tonking in a red from D, missing any kind of position, then playing a long colour to get back in it. From there onwards though, Jimmy's highest break so far is around the kind of level I would be satisfied with after 4 frames - 27.

***Update at 9:30pm*** Ha ha ha there is a cheeky scamp in the crowd with a sign that says 'Come On Jimmy!' which he is waving whenever Mark King plays a shot. What a rum old boy!

*** Update at 10pm *** Well this is one of the worst games of snooker I've seen. Mark King is playing abysmally, and Jimbo's still managing to stuff it up. Jimmy has played one good shot and even that went in off! Virgo is laying right into him making it even more depressing to watch. 5-2 to King, first to 6 takes it. Anything other than a win for King would be a miracle.

*** Update at 10:10pm*** Totally farcical. There are people at Wembley who have paid money to see this!***