Top drawer at the Masters

What a superb Masters tournament this year. Some truly engrossing matches, and a great atmosphere at Wembley. To celebrate the BBC's new catchphrase 'top drawer', here are some things that have been right out of the top drawer in the Masters:

1. Intro music! Loving this addition, just what's needed. It's about time the players got bigged up on the way in. I loved Mark King's dancing to his, so much better than the po-faced walk down the stairs. Also loved Ronnie O Sullivan's idea of playing it when someone has won the frame, what a brilliant idea - imagine finishing off a century to the sound of Eye of the Tiger.

2. The Rocket in some classic matches! Vs the Thunder from Down Under, Snebdon the Clown and then Mark Selby in the final. All three superb matches. Not too high on the flounce-o-meter this time either.

3. John Higgins out nice and early! Heh heh, not too much of honest John to sit through thank goodness. A good job really as this is supposed to be a return to entertaining snooker rather than exemplary professionalism (yawn).

4. The Jester pretends to beat up Ding the Robot! Possibly the most awkward sporting moment in history, as the intro music spurs Mark Selby on to pretend box Ding, who looks frightened and offers him his hand. Ding then goes on to lose 6-1, perhaps a tactic for any player who aspires to beat him.

5. Jimmy on TV again! Actually this one was closer to the bottom drawer really. Probably more like one of the legs of the cabinet of drawers if truth be told.

Parrott alert

The BBC's beloved Parrott is not in the World Championships. This is good news as far as I'm concerned. I cannot bear his excruciating 'comedy' comments when playing, and he is much better sitting on the couch next to Hazel or Ray. Although it was a long time ago and he only committed the offence once, he is responsible for being a Jimmy defeater (tm) so I have never warmed to him.

Difficult stance

We like to point out when one player or another has had to adopt a 'difficult stance'. In our games, this is due to a chair, old toy or table full of beer cans affecting a players natural position. Completing a difficult pot when accompanied by a difficult stance is one of the games great skills, and is I feel sadly lacking in the professional game. With only referee Jan Verhaas, the other player and the BBC cameras representing obstacles there is barely even a chance of tripping over, let alone having to adopt an unusual pose.

Difficult stance is most entertaining in the following scenarios:

• WAG car exit - When a player has to bend their knees like a WAG trying to get out of a car without showing her knickers
• Gymnast - When a player has to significantly widen their legs in order to avoid an item on the floor
• Lazy bastard - When a player has to partially sit on something (such as the back of a chair) and carry on playing
• Cloth damage danger - When the wall is in the way creating a magnified downwards angle.

Perhaps difficult stance should be added to my list of things that could help save snooker and add a new sense of randomness and grass roots reality.

Poor old Jimmy

It seems not, sadly.

My Englishman's craving for disappointment is ill served by such an untelevised, unhyped exit. Coping without even a sniff of a BBC montage of the glory days will be hard.

Come on Jimmy!

:-(

Most boring snooker player ever

Dave Harold. Absolutely no question. Sometimes I have nightmares that I am watching Alan McManus vs Dave Harold in a World Championship final where in every frame McManus makes a sixty break, then Dave The Grinder gets sixty, then they are stuck in an endless round of snookers and each frame lasts an hour. This goes on until the coverage has to end at 5:30 for This Morning to start on BBC One. The BBC congratulates itself for airing the longest continual sporting contest in history outside of the world of chess. People lose faith with snooker completely and never watch a match without Ronnie O Sullivan in it again.

The mystery of the kick

When it comes to reviewing the amount of money and time spent on BBC broadcasting, I wonder whether anyone has ever calculated how much time is wasted on commentators discussing kicks and how they happen. I reckon that at least 2 hours is spent on the topic every year on the BBC - that's enough time to broadcast a film or a new sitcom. Quite how these muppets continue to talk about it I've no idea.

Why I love snooker

Let's start at the beginning. I was raised on snooker. We had a Pot Black table early of course. My dad (who from now on will be known as the Grand Master - for that is his real snooker identity) loved snooker so much he built his own table in the garage. It was pretty good for a while. Then it got a bit damp and sagged in the middle. So he built an extension on our house just for the snooker table. Effort son! So snooker has pretty much been a staple of the family ever since I was born. We've even had family trips out to watch the Masters at Wembley (the whole family) and the World Championship (me, my brother and my dad). I've got to say though, it's better on the telly. It's pretty cool going, but it's also pretty dull if you get stuck with a sh*t match. At the World Championships we had to sit through Ian McCulloch vs Alan McManus. Yawn tastic, and it went all the way.

I suppose we were pretty lucky to have been kids during the 'golden age'. Jimmy White was my hero. Part of me still thinks he can win it. Alright, perhaps not now he can't even get past the qualifiers, but five years ago I still thought he could. The finals against Hendry and Davis are etched into my consciousness. They are some of the greatest sport I have ever witnessed. Snooker is about a tenth as good as it seemed then, but I still take great amusement and pleasure in watching it, mainly on the BBC. I find the coverage hilarious - snooker is only really interesting about a quarter of the time, the rest of the time it's f*cking dull, but I love the things that the commentators come up with to fill the 100+ hours that the BBC dedicates to the World Championship, Masters and UK Championship.