Parrott alert

The BBC's beloved Parrott is not in the World Championships. This is good news as far as I'm concerned. I cannot bear his excruciating 'comedy' comments when playing, and he is much better sitting on the couch next to Hazel or Ray. Although it was a long time ago and he only committed the offence once, he is responsible for being a Jimmy defeater (tm) so I have never warmed to him.

OPTA 147 index

Come On Jimmy! has developed a special high tech performance measure in snooker commentary. Using the latest OPTA Index techniques, we've measured the exact time that a 147 is allowed to be mentioned. Willie Thorne is the worst candidate for wetting his pants about 147s, and he has been known to mention it sometimes even before the frame has started, spoiling it for everyone. With this simple rule, Willie's unfortunate habit can be ended once and for all.

Our Come On Jimmy OPTA snooker index records every ridiculous word mentioned in sync with the balls being potted. It is clear from the wealth of data that we've gathered that the fifth red and black is the point at which it may be pointed out that a 147 may be in progress.

Here is a prime example during Ronnie O Sullivan's lightning fast 147 from Virgo (Willie was led panting from the room shortly after the break and had to be replaced). Dennis clearly feels that he can only mention it once the tenth (!) black has gone in, also openly admitting that he has never commentated on a 147 before. A very low performer on the OPTA 147 index indeed!

P.S. I like the way the video is called 'Incredible snooker player' too. A largely undeniable statement given the evidence before us.

The difficulty caused by hot female referee Michaela

How I laughed when old Michaela the referee turned up in the World Championship finals! The poor old lads in the commentary box couldn't contain themselves. There were some awesomely derogatory comments like 'well done Michaela, you're doing a really good job' meaning, well done sweetheart not a bad effort for a bird. Jan Verhaas would never put up with that kind of chat! The players don't really seem to notice though. At least none of them has slapped her arse or anything.

Here is a classic example.

The mystery of the kick

When it comes to reviewing the amount of money and time spent on BBC broadcasting, I wonder whether anyone has ever calculated how much time is wasted on commentators discussing kicks and how they happen. I reckon that at least 2 hours is spent on the topic every year on the BBC - that's enough time to broadcast a film or a new sitcom. Quite how these muppets continue to talk about it I've no idea.

Most snooker commentators are idiots

Dear oh dear, snooker commentators. Virgo is my least favourite. He wasn't even a very good player! He often gets annoyed with the players when they try something interesting, and rants on about how they should have chosen a different shot. Sod that! Rock out the banana shots. He also has the most annoying catchphrases, such as 'where's the white going?'.

No-one can top Whispering Ted. His whispered 'no' when Steve Davis misses the black in his epic versus Dennis Taylor is one of the best pieces of commentary ever. He makes it sound so awesome.

I am a fan of Dennis Taylor because of his blatant double entendres. One thing you don't realise is that they cut a lot of it out on the highlights. When you go live you can get a little radio ear thing and listen to the commentary, good for staying awake if you get McManus - McCulloch (of which more later). When we went to the Masters, Dennis said 'Well John, what a magnificent semi.' Cue widespread sniggering amongst the crowd. Then he started going on about how Steven Lee had a lovely touch amongst the balls, and how his action was a bit long and swingy. Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, he started talking about how he preferred a long and swingy one over a shorter one. Dirty Dennis.

I can't be doing with Parrott. I think this is a by-product of when he was a player in his later years making all those witty quips when walking around the table. Witty quips are acceptable on the sofa next to Hazel, but he jumped the gun.