Steve Davis on Twitter

Say what you like about Twitter, for some people it is the perfect medium. Steve Davis is one of them. The 160 character medium plays to his strengths in witty quips and denies him the space to sound interested about someone having re-tipped their cue. He also liberally rips it out of snooker players, which is of course what they are there for. He has even discussed various pieces of snooker slang - right up my street!

Check out some of his recent efforts:

"Jimmy can win this tonight! He ate better looking things than mark in the jungle!"

"Can't wait fir the Murphy Hendry match! What will stephens walk on music be? The smiths - heaven knows ....?"

"Why is it they never seem to put Marco Fu and Mark King in the same half of the draw? What are they frightened of?"

"Is Snooker a sport? Who cares! But it'll be on TV all next week! :) Why? Because we have under table heating. Other sports take note."

John higgins "can you turn that spot light off?" Dave coleshill (lighting director) "why? Don't you want to be on the tele"?

More on http://twitter.com/SteveSnooker

Jimmy knocks Boredan out in the first round!

Get in there Jimmy my son! Jim has only another 10 rounds to go until he can finally achieve his dream of being runner up in the Australian Open. With another contestant already having dropped out due to the strain of long periods of boredom without food Jimmy must be thanking his lucky stars, safe in the knowledge that he has successfully endured a safety exchange with Peter Ebdon AND Steve Davis in the past, and nothing is more of an endurance than that. Except perhaps having to listen to Virgo commentating on a safety exchange between Snebdon and the Nugget.

I'm very much looking forward to Jimmy's first challenge. I've heard that it may involve watching Michaela bend over a snooker table to replace the yellow (from the wrong side) for ten minutes without making any laddish comments. Or possibly being asked to pot a simple black when 17 all with Stephen Hendry and 40 points in front.

Surely impossible for the young challenger?

I'm the nations best loved sporting underdog, get me out of here

The evenings are getting cooler, the sun has started going down earlier in the day. My thoughts have started to turn to the start of the snooker season and the unbridled joy which several weeks worth of quietly clicking balls and whispering commentators will bring me. Who knows, perhaps Jimmy will make it to one of the big competitions this year? And then win the World Championship.

But my excitement has been shattered by a terrible rumour which is doing the rounds. People are saying that Jimmy White will be in I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. This cannot be! Whilst this could be a calculated risk that Jimmy's 'true personality' will come out in the show and our great nation will find him wonderfully endearing, what will probably happen is that it will turn out that he is actually a bit of a dong.

Jimmy will also have to humilate himself by eating worms and at some point will be on camera in his speedos having a shower. Perhaps the producers could get him to do something he really, really doesn't want to do, like shake hands with Hendreary, or listen to 3 hours of Parrott's witty quips, or have Virgo whisper in his ear about how he likes a long swingy action and has a nice touch in the balls. The horror.

What a total nightmare for White Watchers.

I will of course be providing daily updates.

Hendry in luckiest 147 ever

I can't even bring myself to watch it but I'm sure there are no fruity bananas or doubles in it. I couldn't help but raise a smile at this image of Stephen Hendreary on the front page of the BBC Sport website though. It really seemed to capture something...

UPDATE:

Alright, alright, I have watched it now. Here it is in case you fancy it.

Notice the anticipation at around 25 points, where Virgo clearly wants to mention it might be a 147, but knows the rules of the OPTA 147 Index. He almost starts panting whilst discussing whether Hendry will go for the pink or black and probably dribbles on the microphone. Great stuff. Virgo finally breaks down on 7 reds, 7 blacks and lays an initial hint. Clive mentions it outright, but in his haste he says it when the crowd are clapping, and you can't really hear him.

Hendry plays it old-school, and breaks the pack only after he's potted all the available reds.

At 129 points, you can see Ethel and Edith in the crowd confirming to one another that a 147 may indeed be in progress.

It has two flair shots in it - both plants. One of them even has a little wriggle on the way down and the other is a three ball multi-angle affair. I am impressed! The pink at the end is pretty good too.

Oh dear.

Much badness at the World Championship in the week. Apologies that updates have not been forthcoming, largely due to my utter dispair at proceedings and having to revert to analogue TV halfway through the week. No red button? It's like the 1950s.

Here is my summation:

The bad

• Liang WenProperBo defeated by Ding the Drone.
• O Sullivan out playing really poorly.
• Hendreary looking like he might do well.
• Nigel Bond the accountant of snooker grinds down Snebdon to a thin paste in the most snoozetastic match ever.
• Steve Davis out, and unable to set a new record for the longest match of all time (or thinking about a shot for longer than anyone ever) and hence reducing some debutante to tears.
• The longest frame ever between two dullards of snooker (didn't see it thank god)
  
• Where is Hazel? I am not sure about this Rishi fellow, he doesn't look like he could hold a conversation about Parrott's big tip for long. Come back Hazel, I miss you!
  

The good

• 'Let's get the boys on the baize!' - I am a big fan of this crazy haired gonk doing the intros, he has got some great nicknames. The Thunder from Down Under - brilliant.
• Neil Robertson still in with a shout. I like an Australian who plays snooker (more on this another time - it is like being an Eskimo who is into tanning).
• Totally open draw - could be won by a complete random. Please don't let John Higgins win.
  
• People boo-ing Shaun Murphy. Something to do with his personal circumstances. Whatever, nice to see a bit of theatre. He did what the Ronaldong does and responded to it by playing about ten times better.
  
• Commentators still talking utter nonsense. One blatant comment about Stephen Lee having a good touch in the balls for a big lad has already been reported. Nice work fellas.
  

All in all, not a good start. Let's hope it picks up in the second week.

"I wouldn't necessarily be drinking or out clubbing, but I would be gambling or playing cards"

Young James was to be seen this week in a fine feature on Inside Sport. Despite his pasty sweaty demeanour, he clearly charmed the pants off Gabby Logan with his tales of excessive drinking, not winning the World Championship and the good old days. He frequently performed what I would call his interview special move, a wry smile followed by a bashful downward glance when discussing getting lagered rather than concentrating on beating Hendreary. He also mentioned that he had shared eight pints with Steve Davis the night before. By the look of him Jim had seven and a half of them.

Sadly that witty quip maker Parrott was on the sofa, and it must be said that Gabby still appeared to be in a bit of a fluster post-Jimmy, particularly when dealing with the guy who knew lots about cricket. Parrott mentioned that he had become part of a 'legends' team. Legends of quip-making perhaps, but not snooker Parrott. They showed the one interesting part of his snooker career, where he pots the long red down the cushion and raises his freakish eyebrows.

There were of course many great highlights of Jim's career, including the missed black (the agony!), all of the bits where other people are winning the World Championship trophy (like 6 daggers through my heart) and a man who was probably from Tooting telling him that he was definitely going to win.

Check out the very young James in the VT with his headmaster - what a cheeky little scamp. He has hardly aged!

Psychology and snooker

Snooker is one of the least physical sports ever. Of that there is no doubt. I can think of only darts and chess, that are less physical and like snooker they falll more into the 'games' category than sports. Team Snooker GB would have a mighty fine chance of winning mucho medals at the Olympics, but I get the feeling that the Olympic Committee may find its introduction a bit of a pisstake. It would be funny if they were made to where lycra though.

One thing that is jolly interesting about snooker is the way in which it highlights the psychological aspect of sport. In football, a player is often said to reach his peak around the age of 28 to 30 - when he has enough physical fitness to compete, but also enough experience, guile and drive for an all-round game. Snooker removes the physical aspect (mostly, although I think Stephen Lee probably can't reach as many shots as other players) and focusses on the psychological. What you get is a psychological dividing line between young and old. Beyond the age of 35, players seem to seize up, looking like they have seen this shot before and remembering the frames they have lost by playing more aggressively. Under 25, regardless of talent, when it comes to grinding one out they will play shots that are too petulant or risky and often end up losing frames. Stephen Hendry, that ruthless Jimmy Defeater, is going through his fall into old age risk avoidance now, and is losing his once iron ability. Brilliant. Steve Davis is a shadow of his former World Champion grinder self and has turned his snooker persona into a jolly old battler who does it for the love.. But its only their minds that have changed.

Ronnie O Sullivan, being a player with a diagnosed mental illness is a fascinating example. On a 'good day' he is unstoppable, believing that he can achieve anything and striving for an unattainable perfection. But when he is down he can barely bring himself to pick up the cue, or will play irrationally or without concentration. The reaction of the snooker media to this is farcical, and the tone of voice in which they criticise some of his behaviour is that of a confused onlooker that doesn't understand mental illness and mistakes it for petulance. I'm sometimes amazed that Ronnie has actually won the World Championship. Sure, he has the talent, but he also seems to go through the 'cycle' in nearly every tournament, often emerging from a bad patch in time for a crucial match. It's a credit to him that he has overcome the disability (however temporarily) to achieve the highest accolade in his sport.

Incidentally, Tony Drago seems to have been largely unaffected and is probably more reckless than he was as a younger player.

Chalking the other player

What a delight there is to be had from this simple, childish act. Especially when your opponent is wearing white or some other similarly stainable colour. I have seen many variations, involving secret chalking, blatant chalking, and a recent discovery (which I think may have been invented in the North) called chalky finger, involving using someone's finger as if it were a cue and giving it a thoroughly good chalking indeed. Not quite sure how I fell for that one but I did. I also then accidentally chalked my clothing, giving me a double chalking.

Chalking the other player should clearly be introduced into the World Championships as an acceptable psychological tactic, especially against Stephen Hendry, who is asking for a chalking.

The big draw

The first round of the World Championship has been drawn, and there are some jolly interesting matches. Here are my top five:

• 1. Ding Junhui (Chn, 11) v Liang WenProperBo (Chn, 40)
• 2. Ronnie O'Sullivan (Eng, 1) v Stuart Bingham (Eng, 21)
• 3. Stephen Maguire (Sco, 2) v Jamie Burnett (Sco, 45) - there was some sort of match-fixing scandal involving a game between these two. I'll be having a flutter (once I'm off the phone to them both).
• 4. Neil Robertson (Aus, 10) v Steve Davis (Eng, 29) - This should be a cracker, I wonder if Steve can make Neil Robertson go totally mental by playing every other shot as a safety.
• 5. Stephen Hendreary (Sco, 6) v Mark Williams (Wal, 22) - Hopefully one will get knocked out and the other will retire injured.

And the ones I probably won't be watching:

• 14 = Peter Snebdon (Eng, 9) v Nigel Bond (Eng, 23) - Bore factor: 10/10. Bond is the accountant of snooker.
• 14 = The Dott (Sco, 13) v Barry Hawkins (Eng, 27) - Massive snorefest. The Dott is amongst the dullest.

With any luck Hendreary will get knocked out in the first round by Mark Williams, who will get knocked out in the second. Mark did have quite a reputation as an exciting player due to his love of a long pot or two, but I can't say I've been thrilled by any of his recent matches. Proper Bo will hopefully knock out Ding. In fact hopefully Proper Bo and Ronnie O Sullivan will be in the final together. Let's hope he doesn't end up crying like Ding did that time, that was all a little bit embarrassing.

As ever I will be rooting for Steve Davis without really knowing why. He is a very charming man indeed and I take an almost perverse pleasure in watching him grind out a beauty against some poor young player who only wants a decent game at the Crucible. Without doubt one of Steve's matches will finish at around 2:30am. Thank god Dave Harold failed to make it, the idea of the two of them playing in the same match would be too much. I'm not sure Steve will make it past Neil Robertson though, he is a mighty good player (especially for an Australian). Neil also has the best website of any snooker player, I've just noticed.

The draw is wide open based on these matches though. With many of the big names underperforming, this could be a World Championship with a pretty random winner, especially if O Sullivan doesn't turn up.

Is Ding actually a robot?

There is a new guy who is very good at snooker and is also from China called Liang Wenbo. He is like a Chinese Ronnie O Sullivan and plays some very interesting shots indeed, some of which are quite reckless and make Virgo twitch in his seat as are not the 'optimum' shot to play. He also got up to some amusing 'controversial' behaviour (i.e. not very controversial at all) last time I watched him play where he failed to mention to the ref that he had put the white back in a slightly more advantageous position.

This is not what we have come to expect after 3 years of Ding and his expressionless bore-snooker. He is worse than even Hendreary in my opinion when it comes to the bore factor. I have a theory that Ding is actually a robot sent by the Chinese government that has been sent to spy on our pitiful 'World' Championship, and although he is an acceptable standard, was merely an automated drone making way for the real talent to get stuck in.



Hopefully Liang Wenbo will be back for this year's World Championship so that he can do something similarly controversial, like perhaps chalking his cue in an anti-clockwise direction or drinking Ribena instead of water. Proper bo

Best shots I can remember Part I - Snebbers teaches the pink a lesson it won't forget

Talking of that funny man Peter Snebdon, I think he might have done one of my favourite snooker shots. It was in a game that he was losing - in fact it could well have been the World Championship final he lost against Steven Hendry. He was so far behind that there wasn't really any way back into it for him (something like 17-10) but had made a decent break in one of the frames. He was on the pink with just the pink and black left. Frame over. Rather than doing the usual tap in he did some sort of top spin thing. It looked like this:
After he did it he said something like 'even Ronnie can't do that'. Great chat.

I'm well into these kind of ludicrous shots. I have attempted to replicate this shot on many occasions in Rileys, but it is beyond me and usually ends up with me depositing the white somewhere near the entrance rather than bananaing it to the max and looking like a total legend like I want it to. Good effort Snebbers!

The times I have watched snooker live and what it was like. Part One: The Crucible

Me, The Boy and the Grand Master went to the Crucible a while back. God we were excited. We even had a mini-tournament on the pool table in Wetherspoons Sheffield the night before to get ourselves in the mood. The Grand Master won as usual. He built the original table after all, from which all subsequent snooker followed. Our excitement was somewhat tempered by walking f*cking miles up the steepest hill in the world afterwards. The Grand Master gave great pleasure in informing us that he used to do this walk twice a day when he had his first job in Sheffield etc. etc. Since then cars have been invented, and some people own them and charge you to ride in them on a temporary basis (this practice is called taxi driving). We informed him of these developments and did not make the same mistake the night after.

The first game we saw was McManus versus McCulloch. We pronounce 'McManus' in our house as though the last part of his name sounds like the word anus. I don't know why this is funny but it is and has become common parlance. I would rather stick a rusty pole in my eye than watch these two bore-mongers play snooker. Also, it was the first half of a match so there was no finale / conclusion. Total shocker. It ended 8-8 I think.

But the next game made up for it. Hendry versus Pinches. Pinches is a ledge of the highest order as is from Norfolk like us. We were wearing our Norwich shirts hoping to get on the telly (failed) and were well up for the Pincherman to beat Bendry / Hendreary / Hendrong (he is called all of these things in our house). It was tense at 10-10 at the start with the first to 13 the winner. The Boy has pinched me about 5 times now as some kind of physical-semantic joke. It is wearing thin, and would have come in more handy during McManus McCulloch. Hendreary and Pincher go neck and neck to 12-12, Pinchit looking pretty confident. Being the Jimmy-defeater, Bendry is like some sort of pantomime villian to us, we cannot be doing with him. We want to see him crushed by Pinches, who is ranked about 114th in the world and probably still plays at the Canary Cue Club. 'Millions of Pinches, Pinches for me!' shout me and The Boy. The Grand Master tries to look excited, but maybe he has been here one too many times before at the hands of the old enemy Hendrong. At 12-12 Pincherman and Hendrong disappear to psyche themselves for the final frame. The roar when the Pincher comes back is huge. The back of his waistcoat is yellow and green, just like our blood - we love him long time! He starts positively, but soon Bendry is in and then Pinchme has no way back. Yet again, even when Pinches is about 20 points behind I still hope he can snooker Bendrong behind the black three times or that one of the studio lights will fall on the table and they will have to restart. Something almost statistically impossible that still nags away at the back of my mind. It is impossible, so it doesn't happen and Bendry wins. Gutting.

What a day out though.

Those wooden seats in the Crucible are pretty uncomfortable. During McManus (rhymes with anus remember) versus McCulloch I thought my leg would fall off. It would have diverted my attention from the game though which would have been a bonus.

We get a taxi home.

Why I love snooker

Let's start at the beginning. I was raised on snooker. We had a Pot Black table early of course. My dad (who from now on will be known as the Grand Master - for that is his real snooker identity) loved snooker so much he built his own table in the garage. It was pretty good for a while. Then it got a bit damp and sagged in the middle. So he built an extension on our house just for the snooker table. Effort son! So snooker has pretty much been a staple of the family ever since I was born. We've even had family trips out to watch the Masters at Wembley (the whole family) and the World Championship (me, my brother and my dad). I've got to say though, it's better on the telly. It's pretty cool going, but it's also pretty dull if you get stuck with a sh*t match. At the World Championships we had to sit through Ian McCulloch vs Alan McManus. Yawn tastic, and it went all the way.

I suppose we were pretty lucky to have been kids during the 'golden age'. Jimmy White was my hero. Part of me still thinks he can win it. Alright, perhaps not now he can't even get past the qualifiers, but five years ago I still thought he could. The finals against Hendry and Davis are etched into my consciousness. They are some of the greatest sport I have ever witnessed. Snooker is about a tenth as good as it seemed then, but I still take great amusement and pleasure in watching it, mainly on the BBC. I find the coverage hilarious - snooker is only really interesting about a quarter of the time, the rest of the time it's f*cking dull, but I love the things that the commentators come up with to fill the 100+ hours that the BBC dedicates to the World Championship, Masters and UK Championship.