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The evenings are getting cooler, the sun has started going down earlier in the day. My thoughts have started to turn to the start of the snooker season and the unbridled joy which several weeks worth of quietly clicking balls and whispering commentators will bring me. Who knows, perhaps Jimmy will make it to one of the big competitions this year? And then win the World Championship. But my excitement has been shattered by a terrible rumour which is doing the rounds. People are saying that Jimmy White will be in I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. This cannot be! Whilst this could be a calculated risk that Jimmy's 'true personality' will come out in the show and our great nation will find him wonderfully endearing, what will probably happen is that it will turn out that he is actually a bit of a dong.
Jimmy will also have to humilate himself by eating worms and at some point will be on camera in his speedos having a shower. Perhaps the producers could get him to do something he really, really doesn't want to do, like shake hands with Hendreary, or listen to 3 hours of Parrott's witty quips, or have Virgo whisper in his ear about how he likes a long swingy action and has a nice touch in the balls. The horror.
What a total nightmare for White Watchers.
I will of course be providing daily updates.
Young James was to be seen this week in a fine feature on Inside Sport. Despite his pasty sweaty demeanour, he clearly charmed the pants off Gabby Logan with his tales of excessive drinking, not winning the World Championship and the good old days. He frequently performed what I would call his interview special move, a wry smile followed by a bashful downward glance when discussing getting lagered rather than concentrating on beating Hendreary. He also mentioned that he had shared eight pints with Steve Davis the night before. By the look of him Jim had seven and a half of them.Sadly that witty quip maker Parrott was on the sofa, and it must be said that Gabby still appeared to be in a bit of a fluster post-Jimmy, particularly when dealing with the guy who knew lots about cricket. Parrott mentioned that he had become part of a 'legends' team. Legends of quip-making perhaps, but not snooker Parrott. They showed the one interesting part of his snooker career, where he pots the long red down the cushion and raises his freakish eyebrows.There were of course many great highlights of Jim's career, including the missed black (the agony!), all of the bits where other people are winning the World Championship trophy (like 6 daggers through my heart) and a man who was probably from Tooting telling him that he was definitely going to win.Check out the very young James in the VT with his headmaster - what a cheeky little scamp. He has hardly aged!
I'm not quite sure how this happened, but my whole family went to see this one. I was late in to the first match, which was a shame because it went to the wire. Selby versus Doherty. Good game. Selby has got the best nickname, and makes funny faces and the occasional joke around the table. Good jokes though, not like Parrott and his witty quips which are more like something that Jimmy Tarbuck would come up with. The Jester from Leicester can regularly be seen having a good chuckle with referee Jan Verhaas, although obviously he wouldn't want to be making Michaela laugh because he might be worried that all of the bigger boys in the commentary box would laugh at him and say that he fancies her.
I made it into the last frame to see The Jester defeat Kenneth. Great atmosphere. The security at Wembley Arena made a late play to stop me entering the room, but as we had somehow got tickets that were as far as possible in the right hand corner of the arena I probably could have got away with wearing a traffic cone on my head. Tense stuff which Selby won 6-5. As well as being a significantly better witty quipster than anyone else, watching Selby live is fun because he stalks around in such a weird way, a bit like those old videos you see of Alex Higgins.
We had the most entertainment out of those ear pieces. Obviously at about a tenner each they are the biggest rip-off in the entire world, but it is worth it to hear some of the total shite that the commentators come out with. The PUNishment being handed out by Virgo was next level, and was generating some serious guffawing in the Stephen Lee match that we watched second. Virgo and Dennis were talking about Stephen Lee's 'long swingy action' and how he had a 'lovely touch amongst the balls'. When Virgo started saying how he 'preferred a long swingy one to a short sharp one' it all got too much. Surely they didn't broadcast that?
Other points of note include a protracted discussion about the merits of peppermint tea, which Dennis Taylor has (apparently) started experimenting with (his usual dose of heroin before a match was playing havoc with his concentration). As many snooker commentary discussions do, this seemingly harmless avenue of chat ended in a supreme piece of racial stereotyping which would make any liberal Guardian-reading snooker lover blush. During the tea conversation, Virgo or Dennis noted that Marco Fu was also drinking tea. 'What type do you think it is?' asked Dennis. 'Probably Jasmine tea' said Virgo. Of course! Fu being from Hong Kong, what else would he be drinking? I would have laughed if it was actually Yorkshire tea or Twinings breakfast.
Stephen Lee wins easily, his long swingy action too much for the Jasmine tea-drinking Fu, who to be fair looks pretty bored throughout the whole thing. Watching this match was pretty dire I must say, but definitely worth it to see the whole family out chuckling in unison at the nonsense coming through the earpiece and yawning together at another protracted safety exchange.
The BBC's beloved Parrott is not in the World Championships. This is good news as far as I'm concerned. I cannot bear his excruciating 'comedy' comments when playing, and he is much better sitting on the couch next to Hazel or Ray. Although it was a long time ago and he only committed the offence once, he is responsible for being a Jimmy defeater (tm) so I have never warmed to him.
I love the fact that Hazel Irvine does the snooker. She must have been gutted when they told her she'd have to put the miles in at the Crucible before they let her have the World Cup or the Masters Golf (or indeed anything except the snooker). Now she has to keep talking about how John Parrott uses a bigger tip (cue sniggering at 'John's big tip' and the 'excellent control he gets with it' compared with 'someone who is used to a smaller end' - I could go on). Ray Stubbs did it once, but he let us down badly. There was a break in play because of a fire alarm, and Ray had to fill half an hour talking snooker drivel (1985 and all that, Cliff Thorburn's 147, Rocket Ronnie's temperament). He looked like he was going to sh*t himself. Hazel would never let us down like that.
Dear oh dear, snooker commentators. Virgo is my least favourite. He wasn't even a very good player! He often gets annoyed with the players when they try something interesting, and rants on about how they should have chosen a different shot. Sod that! Rock out the banana shots. He also has the most annoying catchphrases, such as 'where's the white going?'.
No-one can top Whispering Ted. His whispered 'no' when Steve Davis misses the black in his epic versus Dennis Taylor is one of the best pieces of commentary ever. He makes it sound so awesome.
I am a fan of Dennis Taylor because of his blatant double entendres. One thing you don't realise is that they cut a lot of it out on the highlights. When you go live you can get a little radio ear thing and listen to the commentary, good for staying awake if you get McManus - McCulloch (of which more later). When we went to the Masters, Dennis said 'Well John, what a magnificent semi.' Cue widespread sniggering amongst the crowd. Then he started going on about how Steven Lee had a lovely touch amongst the balls, and how his action was a bit long and swingy. Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, he started talking about how he preferred a long and swingy one over a shorter one. Dirty Dennis.
I can't be doing with Parrott. I think this is a by-product of when he was a player in his later years making all those witty quips when walking around the table. Witty quips are acceptable on the sofa next to Hazel, but he jumped the gun.
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