Steve Davis on Twitter

Say what you like about Twitter, for some people it is the perfect medium. Steve Davis is one of them. The 160 character medium plays to his strengths in witty quips and denies him the space to sound interested about someone having re-tipped their cue. He also liberally rips it out of snooker players, which is of course what they are there for. He has even discussed various pieces of snooker slang - right up my street!

Check out some of his recent efforts:

"Jimmy can win this tonight! He ate better looking things than mark in the jungle!"

"Can't wait fir the Murphy Hendry match! What will stephens walk on music be? The smiths - heaven knows ....?"

"Why is it they never seem to put Marco Fu and Mark King in the same half of the draw? What are they frightened of?"

"Is Snooker a sport? Who cares! But it'll be on TV all next week! :) Why? Because we have under table heating. Other sports take note."

John higgins "can you turn that spot light off?" Dave coleshill (lighting director) "why? Don't you want to be on the tele"?

More on http://twitter.com/SteveSnooker

The times I have watched snooker live and what it was like. Part Two: The Masters at Wembley

I'm not quite sure how this happened, but my whole family went to see this one. I was late in to the first match, which was a shame because it went to the wire. Selby versus Doherty. Good game. Selby has got the best nickname, and makes funny faces and the occasional joke around the table. Good jokes though, not like Parrott and his witty quips which are more like something that Jimmy Tarbuck would come up with. The Jester from Leicester can regularly be seen having a good chuckle with referee Jan Verhaas, although obviously he wouldn't want to be making Michaela laugh because he might be worried that all of the bigger boys in the commentary box would laugh at him and say that he fancies her.

I made it into the last frame to see The Jester defeat Kenneth. Great atmosphere. The security at Wembley Arena made a late play to stop me entering the room, but as we had somehow got tickets that were as far as possible in the right hand corner of the arena I probably could have got away with wearing a traffic cone on my head. Tense stuff which Selby won 6-5. As well as being a significantly better witty quipster than anyone else, watching Selby live is fun because he stalks around in such a weird way, a bit like those old videos you see of Alex Higgins.

We had the most entertainment out of those ear pieces. Obviously at about a tenner each they are the biggest rip-off in the entire world, but it is worth it to hear some of the total shite that the commentators come out with. The PUNishment being handed out by Virgo was next level, and was generating some serious guffawing in the Stephen Lee match that we watched second. Virgo and Dennis were talking about Stephen Lee's 'long swingy action' and how he had a 'lovely touch amongst the balls'. When Virgo started saying how he 'preferred a long swingy one to a short sharp one' it all got too much. Surely they didn't broadcast that?

Other points of note include a protracted discussion about the merits of peppermint tea, which Dennis Taylor has (apparently) started experimenting with (his usual dose of heroin before a match was playing havoc with his concentration). As many snooker commentary discussions do, this seemingly harmless avenue of chat ended in a supreme piece of racial stereotyping which would make any liberal Guardian-reading snooker lover blush. During the tea conversation, Virgo or Dennis noted that Marco Fu was also drinking tea. 'What type do you think it is?' asked Dennis. 'Probably Jasmine tea' said Virgo. Of course! Fu being from Hong Kong, what else would he be drinking? I would have laughed if it was actually Yorkshire tea or Twinings breakfast.

Stephen Lee wins easily, his long swingy action too much for the Jasmine tea-drinking Fu, who to be fair looks pretty bored throughout the whole thing. Watching this match was pretty dire I must say, but definitely worth it to see the whole family out chuckling in unison at the nonsense coming through the earpiece and yawning together at another protracted safety exchange.