Top drawer at the Masters

What a superb Masters tournament this year. Some truly engrossing matches, and a great atmosphere at Wembley. To celebrate the BBC's new catchphrase 'top drawer', here are some things that have been right out of the top drawer in the Masters:

1. Intro music! Loving this addition, just what's needed. It's about time the players got bigged up on the way in. I loved Mark King's dancing to his, so much better than the po-faced walk down the stairs. Also loved Ronnie O Sullivan's idea of playing it when someone has won the frame, what a brilliant idea - imagine finishing off a century to the sound of Eye of the Tiger.

2. The Rocket in some classic matches! Vs the Thunder from Down Under, Snebdon the Clown and then Mark Selby in the final. All three superb matches. Not too high on the flounce-o-meter this time either.

3. John Higgins out nice and early! Heh heh, not too much of honest John to sit through thank goodness. A good job really as this is supposed to be a return to entertaining snooker rather than exemplary professionalism (yawn).

4. The Jester pretends to beat up Ding the Robot! Possibly the most awkward sporting moment in history, as the intro music spurs Mark Selby on to pretend box Ding, who looks frightened and offers him his hand. Ding then goes on to lose 6-1, perhaps a tactic for any player who aspires to beat him.

5. Jimmy on TV again! Actually this one was closer to the bottom drawer really. Probably more like one of the legs of the cabinet of drawers if truth be told.

Oh dear.

Much badness at the World Championship in the week. Apologies that updates have not been forthcoming, largely due to my utter dispair at proceedings and having to revert to analogue TV halfway through the week. No red button? It's like the 1950s.

Here is my summation:

The bad

• Liang WenProperBo defeated by Ding the Drone.
• O Sullivan out playing really poorly.
• Hendreary looking like he might do well.
• Nigel Bond the accountant of snooker grinds down Snebdon to a thin paste in the most snoozetastic match ever.
• Steve Davis out, and unable to set a new record for the longest match of all time (or thinking about a shot for longer than anyone ever) and hence reducing some debutante to tears.
• The longest frame ever between two dullards of snooker (didn't see it thank god)
  
• Where is Hazel? I am not sure about this Rishi fellow, he doesn't look like he could hold a conversation about Parrott's big tip for long. Come back Hazel, I miss you!
  

The good

• 'Let's get the boys on the baize!' - I am a big fan of this crazy haired gonk doing the intros, he has got some great nicknames. The Thunder from Down Under - brilliant.
• Neil Robertson still in with a shout. I like an Australian who plays snooker (more on this another time - it is like being an Eskimo who is into tanning).
• Totally open draw - could be won by a complete random. Please don't let John Higgins win.
  
• People boo-ing Shaun Murphy. Something to do with his personal circumstances. Whatever, nice to see a bit of theatre. He did what the Ronaldong does and responded to it by playing about ten times better.
  
• Commentators still talking utter nonsense. One blatant comment about Stephen Lee having a good touch in the balls for a big lad has already been reported. Nice work fellas.
  

All in all, not a good start. Let's hope it picks up in the second week.

Psychology and snooker

Snooker is one of the least physical sports ever. Of that there is no doubt. I can think of only darts and chess, that are less physical and like snooker they falll more into the 'games' category than sports. Team Snooker GB would have a mighty fine chance of winning mucho medals at the Olympics, but I get the feeling that the Olympic Committee may find its introduction a bit of a pisstake. It would be funny if they were made to where lycra though.

One thing that is jolly interesting about snooker is the way in which it highlights the psychological aspect of sport. In football, a player is often said to reach his peak around the age of 28 to 30 - when he has enough physical fitness to compete, but also enough experience, guile and drive for an all-round game. Snooker removes the physical aspect (mostly, although I think Stephen Lee probably can't reach as many shots as other players) and focusses on the psychological. What you get is a psychological dividing line between young and old. Beyond the age of 35, players seem to seize up, looking like they have seen this shot before and remembering the frames they have lost by playing more aggressively. Under 25, regardless of talent, when it comes to grinding one out they will play shots that are too petulant or risky and often end up losing frames. Stephen Hendry, that ruthless Jimmy Defeater, is going through his fall into old age risk avoidance now, and is losing his once iron ability. Brilliant. Steve Davis is a shadow of his former World Champion grinder self and has turned his snooker persona into a jolly old battler who does it for the love.. But its only their minds that have changed.

Ronnie O Sullivan, being a player with a diagnosed mental illness is a fascinating example. On a 'good day' he is unstoppable, believing that he can achieve anything and striving for an unattainable perfection. But when he is down he can barely bring himself to pick up the cue, or will play irrationally or without concentration. The reaction of the snooker media to this is farcical, and the tone of voice in which they criticise some of his behaviour is that of a confused onlooker that doesn't understand mental illness and mistakes it for petulance. I'm sometimes amazed that Ronnie has actually won the World Championship. Sure, he has the talent, but he also seems to go through the 'cycle' in nearly every tournament, often emerging from a bad patch in time for a crucial match. It's a credit to him that he has overcome the disability (however temporarily) to achieve the highest accolade in his sport.

Incidentally, Tony Drago seems to have been largely unaffected and is probably more reckless than he was as a younger player.

The big draw

The first round of the World Championship has been drawn, and there are some jolly interesting matches. Here are my top five:

• 1. Ding Junhui (Chn, 11) v Liang WenProperBo (Chn, 40)
• 2. Ronnie O'Sullivan (Eng, 1) v Stuart Bingham (Eng, 21)
• 3. Stephen Maguire (Sco, 2) v Jamie Burnett (Sco, 45) - there was some sort of match-fixing scandal involving a game between these two. I'll be having a flutter (once I'm off the phone to them both).
• 4. Neil Robertson (Aus, 10) v Steve Davis (Eng, 29) - This should be a cracker, I wonder if Steve can make Neil Robertson go totally mental by playing every other shot as a safety.
• 5. Stephen Hendreary (Sco, 6) v Mark Williams (Wal, 22) - Hopefully one will get knocked out and the other will retire injured.

And the ones I probably won't be watching:

• 14 = Peter Snebdon (Eng, 9) v Nigel Bond (Eng, 23) - Bore factor: 10/10. Bond is the accountant of snooker.
• 14 = The Dott (Sco, 13) v Barry Hawkins (Eng, 27) - Massive snorefest. The Dott is amongst the dullest.

With any luck Hendreary will get knocked out in the first round by Mark Williams, who will get knocked out in the second. Mark did have quite a reputation as an exciting player due to his love of a long pot or two, but I can't say I've been thrilled by any of his recent matches. Proper Bo will hopefully knock out Ding. In fact hopefully Proper Bo and Ronnie O Sullivan will be in the final together. Let's hope he doesn't end up crying like Ding did that time, that was all a little bit embarrassing.

As ever I will be rooting for Steve Davis without really knowing why. He is a very charming man indeed and I take an almost perverse pleasure in watching him grind out a beauty against some poor young player who only wants a decent game at the Crucible. Without doubt one of Steve's matches will finish at around 2:30am. Thank god Dave Harold failed to make it, the idea of the two of them playing in the same match would be too much. I'm not sure Steve will make it past Neil Robertson though, he is a mighty good player (especially for an Australian). Neil also has the best website of any snooker player, I've just noticed.

The draw is wide open based on these matches though. With many of the big names underperforming, this could be a World Championship with a pretty random winner, especially if O Sullivan doesn't turn up.

He couldn't. Could he?

This news is making me jolly excited. Even a first round appearance by young James would make my sporting year. I will be looking forward to many excited shouts of 'Come On Jimmy!', even when he isn't playing. I love it when people shout 'come on Jimmy!' in matches that he is not playing in, it is pure juvenile comedy.

It just goes to show how little the people watching snooker enjoy watching unentertaining players who are not Jimmy White, Ronnie O Sullivan or Tony Drago and always makes me laugh. It usually follows this sequence:

1. Someone shouts 'Come On [one of the players]!'
2. Someone else shouts 'Come on [the other player]!'
3. This goes on for around ten seconds
4. Someone shouts 'Come On Jimmy!'
5. Everyone laughs
6. Referee Jan Verhaas tells off the offending person
7. This is roundly agreed with and a round of applause is issued
8. One of the commentators makes a remark that this kind of behaviour spoils it for everyone
   

I thoroughly encourage this sort of amusing behaviour and will be keeping a close eye on it during the World Championships.

Is Ding actually a robot?

There is a new guy who is very good at snooker and is also from China called Liang Wenbo. He is like a Chinese Ronnie O Sullivan and plays some very interesting shots indeed, some of which are quite reckless and make Virgo twitch in his seat as are not the 'optimum' shot to play. He also got up to some amusing 'controversial' behaviour (i.e. not very controversial at all) last time I watched him play where he failed to mention to the ref that he had put the white back in a slightly more advantageous position.

This is not what we have come to expect after 3 years of Ding and his expressionless bore-snooker. He is worse than even Hendreary in my opinion when it comes to the bore factor. I have a theory that Ding is actually a robot sent by the Chinese government that has been sent to spy on our pitiful 'World' Championship, and although he is an acceptable standard, was merely an automated drone making way for the real talent to get stuck in.



Hopefully Liang Wenbo will be back for this year's World Championship so that he can do something similarly controversial, like perhaps chalking his cue in an anti-clockwise direction or drinking Ribena instead of water. Proper bo

Best shots I can remember Part I - Snebbers teaches the pink a lesson it won't forget

Talking of that funny man Peter Snebdon, I think he might have done one of my favourite snooker shots. It was in a game that he was losing - in fact it could well have been the World Championship final he lost against Steven Hendry. He was so far behind that there wasn't really any way back into it for him (something like 17-10) but had made a decent break in one of the frames. He was on the pink with just the pink and black left. Frame over. Rather than doing the usual tap in he did some sort of top spin thing. It looked like this:
After he did it he said something like 'even Ronnie can't do that'. Great chat.

I'm well into these kind of ludicrous shots. I have attempted to replicate this shot on many occasions in Rileys, but it is beyond me and usually ends up with me depositing the white somewhere near the entrance rather than bananaing it to the max and looking like a total legend like I want it to. Good effort Snebbers!

Most boring snooker player ever

Dave Harold. Absolutely no question. Sometimes I have nightmares that I am watching Alan McManus vs Dave Harold in a World Championship final where in every frame McManus makes a sixty break, then Dave The Grinder gets sixty, then they are stuck in an endless round of snookers and each frame lasts an hour. This goes on until the coverage has to end at 5:30 for This Morning to start on BBC One. The BBC congratulates itself for airing the longest continual sporting contest in history outside of the world of chess. People lose faith with snooker completely and never watch a match without Ronnie O Sullivan in it again.

OPTA 147 index

Come On Jimmy! has developed a special high tech performance measure in snooker commentary. Using the latest OPTA Index techniques, we've measured the exact time that a 147 is allowed to be mentioned. Willie Thorne is the worst candidate for wetting his pants about 147s, and he has been known to mention it sometimes even before the frame has started, spoiling it for everyone. With this simple rule, Willie's unfortunate habit can be ended once and for all.

Our Come On Jimmy OPTA snooker index records every ridiculous word mentioned in sync with the balls being potted. It is clear from the wealth of data that we've gathered that the fifth red and black is the point at which it may be pointed out that a 147 may be in progress.

Here is a prime example during Ronnie O Sullivan's lightning fast 147 from Virgo (Willie was led panting from the room shortly after the break and had to be replaced). Dennis clearly feels that he can only mention it once the tenth (!) black has gone in, also openly admitting that he has never commentated on a 147 before. A very low performer on the OPTA 147 index indeed!

P.S. I like the way the video is called 'Incredible snooker player' too. A largely undeniable statement given the evidence before us.

The agony of anchoring the snooker

I love the fact that Hazel Irvine does the snooker. She must have been gutted when they told her she'd have to put the miles in at the Crucible before they let her have the World Cup or the Masters Golf (or indeed anything except the snooker). Now she has to keep talking about how John Parrott uses a bigger tip (cue sniggering at 'John's big tip' and the 'excellent control he gets with it' compared with 'someone who is used to a smaller end' - I could go on). Ray Stubbs did it once, but he let us down badly. There was a break in play because of a fire alarm, and Ray had to fill half an hour talking snooker drivel (1985 and all that, Cliff Thorburn's 147, Rocket Ronnie's temperament). He looked like he was going to sh*t himself. Hazel would never let us down like that.